Why going along so much?
I was recently told by a coworker that as a technical program manager, I am pretty bad at pushing back at other people’s requests or opinions.
When I heard about this feedback, I instantly agreed to it - but I agreed to this assessment not because that I didn’t think this opinion through this time; instead, I’ve been aware that deep down, I tend to go along with whatever other people (my parents, relatives, friends, coworkers, etc) say or think without giving their opinions much thought of my own.
At work, since I work for a enormous tech company, collaborating with and filing dependencies to other teams are evitable part of my job. In general, every team has their own best interest at heart, so whatever solutions to a mutual problem that we are trying to solve are always going to be most beneficial to each team. I find myself often agree to other teams’ proposals during meetings without really thinking through their consequences. Sometimes those proposals are great ones, but sometimes my own team would question them and then I would be like “oops, I really didn’t think of this problem this way.”
Why do I go along with others’ opinions or suggestions so much? I know that I am a bit indecisive at times but I do have a mind of my own - heck, I chose to leave home and moved to a new country at 16! It was my decision. It was also my decision to build my future in North America instead of returning to China after college graduation. It was my decision to study abroad in U.K. in college; it was my decision to change my undergraduate major from biomedical engineering to electrical & computer engineering… I know I am not a mindless girl who cannot make a decision ever, but why do I tend to go along with others in life more often than when I am not?
After some retrospections, I think this is a deep-rooted culture issue. I have always been considered a “good, docile kid” (听话的好孩子 in Chinese) by everyone in my family. I did everything my parents told me to do and was never rebellious like other teenagers: I studied hard at school, never had any boyfriends, went to all of my tutorial classes dilligently, and never acted against my parents’ wish in any way. Everyone praised me for my behaviors, because I never pushed back any requests, and therefore never caused any troubles.
My parents still call me a “good, docile kid” today, but now I hate this praise from the past. To me, it sounds like I am happy with having my life arranged by others and I have no mind of my own. I grew up with the eagerness to please everyone around me, and that eagerness transitioned into constantly saying yes to everything in life.
Gaining elders’ approval is an important thing in China, and every kid is expected to conform. Once a kid conforms to this norm, he or she will be rewarded with praise and sometimes materialistic reward. I was so used to conform and eager to obtain approvals from authority figures when I was a kid, and that culture of collectivism shaped me into the agreeable person I am today.
However, in North America culture, individualism triumphs over collectivism. You are expected to show your unique flair and personal traits in everything you do in order to find success in life - the part of me that is so used to collectivism and conformity is still struggling to adapt, even 10 years after.
I can’t wait for the day that I become the stronger me - the “me” that is very comfortable making the best decision that I can make at the moment, without caring too much about what others think of me, and become simply a “good kid”, instead of a “good, docile kid”.
