Why going along so much?
I was recently told by a coworker that as a technical program manager, I am pretty bad at pushing back at other people’s requests or opinions.
When I heard about this feedback, I instantly agreed to it - but I agreed to this assessment not because that I didn’t think this opinion through this time; instead, I’ve been aware that deep down, I tend to go along with whatever other people (my parents, relatives, friends, coworkers, etc) say or think without giving their opinions much thought of my own.
At work, since I work for a enormous tech company, collaborating with and filing dependencies to other teams are evitable part of my job. In general, every team has their own best interest at heart, so whatever solutions to a mutual problem that we are trying to solve are always going to be most beneficial to each team. I find myself often agree to other teams’ proposals during meetings without really thinking through their consequences. Sometimes those proposals are great ones, but sometimes my own team would question them and then I would be like “oops, I really didn’t think of this problem this way.”
Why do I go along with others’ opinions or suggestions so much? I know that I am a bit indecisive at times but I do have a mind of my own - heck, I chose to leave home and moved to a new country at 16! It was my decision. It was also my decision to build my future in North America instead of returning to China after college graduation. It was my decision to study abroad in U.K. in college; it was my decision to change my undergraduate major from biomedical engineering to electrical & computer engineering… I know I am not a mindless girl who cannot make a decision ever, but why do I tend to go along with others in life more often than when I am not?
After some retrospections, I think this is a deep-rooted culture issue. I have always been considered a “good, docile kid” (听话的好孩子 in Chinese) by everyone in my family. I did everything my parents told me to do and was never rebellious like other teenagers: I studied hard at school, never had any boyfriends, went to all of my tutorial classes dilligently, and never acted against my parents’ wish in any way. Everyone praised me for my behaviors, because I never pushed back any requests, and therefore never caused any troubles.
My parents still call me a “good, docile kid” today, but now I hate this praise from the past. To me, it sounds like I am happy with having my life arranged by others and I have no mind of my own. I grew up with the eagerness to please everyone around me, and that eagerness transitioned into constantly saying yes to everything in life.
Gaining elders’ approval is an important thing in China, and every kid is expected to conform. Once a kid conforms to this norm, he or she will be rewarded with praise and sometimes materialistic reward. I was so used to conform and eager to obtain approvals from authority figures when I was a kid, and that culture of collectivism shaped me into the agreeable person I am today.
However, in North America culture, individualism triumphs over collectivism. You are expected to show your unique flair and personal traits in everything you do in order to find success in life - the part of me that is so used to collectivism and conformity is still struggling to adapt, even 10 years after.
I can’t wait for the day that I become the stronger me - the “me” that is very comfortable making the best decision that I can make at the moment, without caring too much about what others think of me, and become simply a “good kid”, instead of a “good, docile kid”.
[Repost] Little Fish in a Big Pond: Post-Grad Lessons I've Learned as a First-Year Young Professional
This is an old blog I wrote back in 2018 and originally published on LinkedIn here.
My first day at Microsoft
Just over a year ago, I graduated from college proudly with an engineering degree, awaiting for the new chapter of my life to begin, both excitingly and anxiously. My head was full of questions after the jam-packed graduation weekend: what will it be like to work for a tech giant? What will it be like to live in a new city by myself? Am I ready to be a real adult?
Time truly flew by - now I have been working at Microsoft in Seattle for over a year as a Support Engineer MACH (Microsoft Academy for College Hires). I also just returned from the inspirational MS Ready conference in Las Vegas, which was the one-year working milestone for every first-year MACH. Looking back at my first year as a young professional, I am surprised to find how much I have grown and learned, both professionally and personally. When I found that my Instagram feed has been flooded by graduation photos and new college hires were settling into their new jobs last month, I wish to share some of the lessons I have learned during my first year working at Microsoft and living in Seattle to the young adults who just started a new chapter of their lives:
You don't have to know what you are truly passionate about at the moment, explore as many opportunities as you can, but always have a plan.
I've always loved going to conferences. Grace Hopper, SWE, MS Ready, you name it. I love listening to inspirational talks from people who are so passionate about their jobs and they can't wait for the whole world to know about their work. I've always wanted to be one of those people: I want to stand on a stage one day and proudly present the world on the work I've done passionately. However, unfortunately I don't think I have found the one thing in life that I feel the burning desire inside of me every day to accomplish the goal at the moment. I love technology, and I love helping people. I am still at an early stage of my career and I am exploring as many roles I can: engineering, program management, technical sales, etc. I did feel lost at one point because I felt like I should know what I want as a life-long career: I've always known what my goals are, but for the first time in my life, I am not so sure.
But it's okay to be not sure about where you want to take your career in the next 5, or 10 years. Explore different roles, talk to different people about their jobs, and most importantly, do your current job well, so when the opportunity comes, you can confidently talk about the good work you have done. Always have a plan for foreseeable future as well: for example, if I want to become a Supportability Program Manager or a Technology Solution Professional in the next 6 months, what projects should I take on right now to develop those required skills? How can I increase my visibility through my current role? Map out your current goals, draft a plan, work hard and have fun with it!
2. Don't compare yourself with others, both in professional achievement and personal life.
I believe that everyone follows a different path. But as a young professional, it's hard not to compare myself with my peers from time to time. I sometimes would question myself as well: why haven't I had that big promotion like my friend A? Why haven't I scored that dream role like my friend B? Why I don't have the perfect relationship that friend C is experiencing?
It's easy to compare myself and start losing faith in my ability to deliver the best work, or to love. However, it's important to remain grounded and focus on what makes you feel happy and fulfilled at the moment. I will keep performing well at work, finishing all of my tasks and exploring other opportunities, so the promotion will come as my hard work pays off; I will keep treating others kindly, pushing my boundaries to try new things and being the best version of myself, so true love will eventually come along.
3. Understand how to work with people is the key to professional success. Working for a full-time job isn't like studying for an exam in college - you won't get far without collaborations.
While in college, I was almost conditioned to think that obtaining a good GPA requires a lot of solo work. Yes there were group projects, but I also spent a lot of time alone reading textbooks and doing practice exams, which led to exceptional exam scores. But in the work place, this "superman" mentality isn't going to get me far - team work always delivers far better results, with much bigger impact. Especially at Microsoft, collaboration performance is part of the job review, so it's really important to be able to listen to your teammates, take in feedback, and understand each other's strength to get work done.
4. Be patient.
Most millennials suffer from the pain for needing instant gratification, including myself. I want everything happen fast: get that promotion quickly, snatch that new job right away, or get into that relationship immediately, etc. I have always been setting goals and chasing after them relentlessly, but I forgot that it takes time to understand a position well, build up a professional reputation, and establish the network. I forgot that I just started my professional life a year ago - there is still a long way to go and a lot to learn. For all of the type-A over-achievers out there, I want to say that, it's okay to slow down sometime: spend some time reflecting on your job or personal relationships before moving on to the next thing. Did you utilize all of the resources on your current role? Did you treat the person you are with right now fairly? Be patient with achieving your goals - remain motivated and confident that you will get there eventually, when you keep up with the good work every day!
5. Be proactive and don't be afraid to ask for things that you feel passionate about working on.
When I first started working at Microsoft, I was terrified - this is a company full of brilliant minds - I was just lucky to get my foot in the door. Therefore, I followed my manager's instructions religiously and barely spoke out. As time went by I realized that, people who contribute to the company most are the proactive ones. They are the ones who are confident and keen in observing the business needs and not afraid of pitching their ideas to others. As I became more comfortable with my role and the company, I found myself speaking out during meetings more, reaching out to people to ask for more projects and becoming less intimidated by other people. Everyone in the company has something special to contribute to, and the most successful employees are the proactive go-getters who are confident with their knowledge and abilities.
I hope my tips can help some young adults out there during their first year working at a new job and living in a new place. It certainly hasn't been easy for me to navigate personal life and career development at a large corporation. But I am so grateful of my family and friends, who have been supporting me through tough times and sharing the good times with me. I also feel very lucky working at Microsoft, for the professional platform I was given and the people I get to work with every day.
Thank you for reading my very first blog on LinkedIn, and hope you will have a wonderful start of new adventures as a young professional!
What is work, anyway?
I recently learned that I won’t get that promotion I’ve wanted for a year.
It was a crashing feeling. I cried and cried, then eventually became calm. In the end of this tantrum I started asking myself - why was I so upset? What is my work, and what have I accomplished in this company since my college graduation?
When I lived in mainland China, I was immersed in a school culture where grades are the only thing that mattered in my young life. From the moment I entered first grade till I transferred to a school in the U.S. as a high school junior, getting a higher mark on the next exam and thus obtaining a higher rank on the school stack-ranking system were my only goals in life. I was instilled with the doctrine that if I do well in school, I would do well in life. Because hard work will always pay off, right?
I have always prized myself for being extremely adaptable to new environment, evidenced by my fluency in a second language (English) and acclimation into American culture. However, recently I’ve realized that the competitive school environment in my childhood and adolescent years had largely shaped me into who I am today - I constantly compare myself with my peers on everything in my life: job titles, salaries, promotion velocity, popularity, etc. I rarely spoke about any of these thoughts with my friends, or even with my partner, but deep down, I’ve kept a secret list of things that I measure myself against my peers and kept tabs on them.
This mentality is certainly unhealthy and exhausting. I realized more and more that it kept me from living in the moment and made me always think about what I don’t have, instead of appreciating the things I do have. For example, I was so upset about not getting a promotion because I felt that I am so behind in job levels compared to my peers. But I forgot that I am very lucky to have a high-paying job during a global pandemic, still remain healthy and all of my loved ones are healthy too. I was laser-focused on the one thing I don’t have right now and ignored many other blessings in life.
Yes, to be honest, most of the people who was hired at the same year as me are at least a level or two higher than me right now. But I did switch teams two times, had to go on an extended visa leave last year when my US work authorization had run out but my Canadian work permit was still pending (a story for another time!) and one of my work projects lost some of its priorities. And partially, I also do think it took me a long time to understand how to be a program manager in an engineering team, and figure out what my day-to-day responsibilities are to my team.
What is work, anyway? I suspected that the ingrained Chinese school culture in me also played a role in my confusion during the first two years of my professional life. I have always been a good student all my life: I attended lectures diligently and always finished my assignment on time. Most importantly, as an engineering student, there are always standard answers to my questions. Working in a big company, on the other hand, was a 180-degree change for me, because working isn’t about doing what exactly my manager tells me to do every step of the way, but instead, it is more about coming up with solutions to problems that sometimes no one, not even my manager, knows how to solve (at least this is my tech company experience. Other industry jobs might differ). I was so used to being told by my teachers in school what the correct answers are to exam questions, so I was expecting my managers to assign me “homework” every day and tell me whether I did it right later - I was wrong to think that way!
For the first time in my life, I face the daily challenge of solving issues where standard answers usually don’t exist. Working almost feels like getting mini-PhDs every day: you only get your PhD when you’ve contributed to a new area of your study where no one else had done the same discovery before; you’ve done good work when you’ve developed a new feature which didn’t exist before or solved a new issue where no one knew how to solve in the past. You’ve gone from zero to one. It’s terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.
Comparing myself professionally with other people will never make me happy, and it will not help me enjoy my current life. I’ve learned that as long as I have my goals, and I work hard to achieve them, I shall have no regrets and start to enjoy every minute of my current life. Let’s cheers to that!
[7/17/21] Happy note: it looks like I will get that promotion this year in the end! I was pleasantly surprised. However, my thoughts above remain the same.